Christine spent the night last night. She and Kevin came over at lunch time. Dropped Christine off at Pizza Hut and had a yoghurt chocolate Baskins. Yummy.

I must have had some yoghurt chocolate Baskin Robbin’s flavored ice cream. Zero recollection.  

Once again, I had to “entertain” host mom and Kyle by singing in the basement.

If I recall correctly, I felt pressured to sing a song for them.

Had pizza for dinner and watched a video. Was more relaxing considering there were other teens in the house but had to stay up late till 2.30am! One thing about Kevin is his big mouth. Keep telling host mom stuff about school which causes “questions.” 

No clear memory of this or what I meant in this post.

Went to Bob Evans for lunch -full to the brim again!!

My host parents certainly exposed me to many classic American eateries. 

Dreading school but holding on to the hope of getting transferred. 

One reason for not writing for the past 3 weeks is that it would be too painful to have to rethink the day’s events. To sum it all up, for school, I have had tonnes of stupid US History homework, lit is a bore, chorus -they sit and “lepak,” (loiter) art -oh gosh, kids are still wild and you just paint without being taught, AP Bio -can’t decide what other science subject to switch it with, Human Dynamics -boring, just copy notes, too big a class, drama -dull. SAT -the teacher doesn’t get down to doing much but I got a SAT book which I can at least make use of. 

Handed my transfer paper to Suitland (possible high school with a strong arts program in the county that I could transfer to) on Thursday, Valentines and was “asked” to go out to the movies with Peter to give my host parents “time.” (I was really told by my Jean, my liaison to give my host parents a break by going out with her host son). Struggling with time -come back from school and at times am expected to follow host mom wherever she goes. Feeling depressed at school, cry sometimes but isn’t much noticed. I guess when I get home, I get more depressed because my host mom keeps rambling on -she has the tendency to think her opinions are always right and I hate when she starts telling me what “God wants for me.” 

Went to Chinatown on the 17th of Feb for a Chinese New Year parade -it was freezing. Later, we went to Kirby’s house for a “cooking party” with Fab, Tang and Julia. We had a fun time –host parents were supposed to pick me up at 9pm but when they called, I asked if I could stay till 10.30pm and host mom said 10 pm -happily. But when they came to pick me up it was 11.30pm and they were in a non-talking mood. 

I remember the extreme contrast of having a fun evening with friends I got along with and then returning to a car that felt hostile. 

The 18th was a school holiday -President’s Day. I spent the day home alone -they went out, plus I had homework.

The 19th, I came back from school and told that we needed to have a talk with host dad. 5pm: sat down and host dad started rambling about how he couldn’t change the fact that he was black, etc. Was I happy, etc. They just kept going on and on about being black and assumed that I have a prejudice against blacks and that’s my problem with the school. Anyway, just as we were talking, the phone rang. Mummy called to say that Kung Kung (my maternal grandfather, who had been blind and stuck to a wheel chair all my life) passed away. When she called, I was already quite shaky. I guess the bad news gave me an “excuse” to cry. Felt really upset that I couldn’t be at the funeral. Just still being in MD with everything going wrong is just WRONG! 

Host parents keep going on and on- wont leave me in “peace” to do my homework. Thoughts about Switzerland and Germany (my second and third AFS country choices) just drive me mad. Thinking about Kent (Malaysian AFSer in California) having a blast…. Not only is school not educationally beneficial, there are no kids I feel I can relate to -they are wild, loud.. So yeah, I guess I have become prejudice, racist! I wish so much that I was in Kent’s shoes or in a different country because when it all comes down to it, America isn’t all that different from my Malaysia. One more thing that bothers me is Youth Group. Host mom is always going on about it.

The only thing I’m happy with now is the food -that’s all. And that’s bad because I’m indulging and gaining weight!  Missing home and feeling very unstable –Mummy’s upset and AFS Malaysia said that I “complained and whined!” Losing energy, emotionally and questioning my faith. 

SPM (National Exam that I took just before leaving for the US and in completion of my Malaysian education) results out on Tues or Wed nigh here. 

I don’t really want to add on to this already long post. I also think it is pretty clear that I was at a point where my frustrations were not limited to school but to my home life as well. In retrospect I can say that I am sure it wasn’t fun for my host parents either. They probably expected something different from having their first “child” together, and instead they got me -a dissatisfied perhaps racist and whiny teenager.  

There are no journal entries from February 4 through Feb 22, 2002. My entry on Feb 23, 2002 explains why. Check in again on the 23rd!

Woke up with a racing, scared heart, again. Hate this gut sinking feeling. I don’t and can’t go to school but I am so afraid it’ll affect my transfer or any chance of it. Can’t disappoint Mummy. I know she wouldn’t want me to miss school even though I can’t bear it. It’ll just eat me up, slowly but surely. Trying not to think of it but Jean will be calling up later.

I remember the deep sinking feelings of anxiety and feeling so far away from home -not because I missed home itself, but because I felt out of control and unhappy with my situation. I’m pretty sure this is about the time I started to experience mild depression, though I was never clinically diagnosed with it. This was certainly the lowest point in my 17 years.

Emailed Mummy, I know she’s worried, and Ann (Director for AFS Malaysia) to explain my situation incase AFS USA tells her otherwise. Ann might have to give her approval for the transfer. Went to TGIFri for lunch.

I think it’s funny why I had to semi-spell out Friday for the F in TGIF. Also here’s where I am starting to believe that if I do everything “correctly,” or follow a process, I’d get the transfer approved. I wasn’t aware of this thing called a school district.

If Jane [my fellow Malaysian friend in Oregon] isn’t going back with her case of strong homesickness, how can I? It’s just school!!!! Why can’t they just put me in Duke Ellington? I want to go home, but I can’t, knowing my educational opportunities are closed unless I got to Inti or Taylors.

These are local Malaysian colleges that I never even onsidered attending because high school graduation meant a ticket out of the country.

Will I make it to University? Gosh, I wish I didn’t come. I hate it here.

School was the same. But I had a SAT prep class (not much help) and met Nikki and Sam who seemed “normal.” 

I realize “normal” sounds so un-pc. I used “” to suggest that I meant normal in my perspective, which at the time probably meant someone who was not yelling back at the teachers and perhaps someone willing to talk to me.

However, I know for sure that I cannot benefit from school. I’m going backwards and not forwards. AFS is robbing me of my year.

This statement was quite an exaggeration, but at the time, I felt that it was absolutely unjust that AFS, a program I was paying to participate in, would not speedily advocate for a school transfer.

Met with Jean her host son Peter -went to her home and “argued” out my case. Though I feel that she is trying to change my mind, she says she needs to understand my situation before she talks to AFS. I understand nothing can be done till Monday, and skipping school may jeopardize my transfer. But I feel sick and nauseous when I think of school. Finally emailed Mummy last night and old her about things and to ask my host mom to let me use the net. I feel more homesick being unable to have free access to the net.  

I also remember feeling angry about this. A limited time on the internet would have been perhaps the more fair route to go, but I understand now that my host parents, as first timers, were simply heeding the advice of orientation volunteers. 

Even though I didn’t feel like going back to DuVal after seeing last night’s performance, I felt my conscience say go. Today was it. I regret joining AFS and wished I had listen to Mummy and gone to either Australia or Bath.

I had applied to pre-college programs in Australia and Bath, UK -the more typical path choice of further education for Malaysians because both places were closer and often cheaper. 

I suppose one of the things I have learned from this experience is that most of the time, mother knows best! I really want out and miss home more than I thought I would. I came back in tears from DuVal and contact Ms. Jean Nye.

Jane was my designated AFS liaison. She was also a host parent, and a volunteer to serve as a conduit between the program and exchange students.

She told me she’d pick me up from school tomorrow to talk to me. I swore I wouldn’t go back, but I felt if I didn’t, it would affect my transfer. I’m thinking a lot of ER (early return) but the $ makes me think twice.

Remember, my parents forked out a good chunk of change for me to go on this “elite” program. 

Plus, what can I do back home? Australia and Bath are out the window. I threw them out.

Oh the melo drama! 

In retrospect, I am glad I did not go to Australia or the UK. Frank McCourt put it very aptly by asking “Why don’t you go to America where there is lots of room for uselessness?.” By that I mean, I didn’t want to be a doctor, lawyer, account or any other “useful” profession. Going to pre-college in Australia or the UK would have limited my options for study -I would have had to pick my field of study right away, and I was certainly far from knowing what that was at the time. 

Woah. Now I’m sure I’m shrinking in DuVal. AP Bio was difficult, couldn’t translate from BM to English.

BM stands for Bahasa Malaysia -the national language and the language of instruction.  

Photo class was too full, so they kicked me out. Had to switch it and geometry for chorus. Chorus is worse than CGL’s (my Malaysian high school’s name) choir. Kids in the class are from the 9th grade onwards. The teacher probably doesn’t have much music ed. and the students don’t even know how to play the piano. Though the teacher asked me to play, it’s supposed to be a chorus -I’m supposed to sing. Drama = no productions -all basic theory knowledge. I’m wondering what I’m doing back in school. I will try one more day though. Was in a bad mood and upset but was better after tutoring.

Went to Duke Ellington School for the Arts –a beautiful building in DC -it has it’s own theater. School halls were very nice. Watched a performance called Black, not so blue, in tribute to African Americans. It was fantastic, musically wise. Just what I need. Am determined to get into an arts school.

I remember being so impressed by Duke Ellington, and it was such a contrast to DuVal. I felt unchallenged at DuVal while I saw focus and the potential for new learning at this school. This was also during a time when I thought I still had a shot of being “discovered” for my singing abilities

Started the first day at DuVal. Couldn’t get to pick all the classes I wanted so ended up with AP US History, AP Lit, Art, Drama, Photo, AP Bio (!!), Human Dynamics and Geometry. Had US History which was dead boring, Geometry which was weird (teacher) and art which was elementary. Lunch was sad — it was noisy, kids uncivilized. 

I don’t remember this first day but I’m sure I felt like a deer in headlights. Like numbers, science and I don’t agree, hence the exclamation marks after AP Bio.

Mostly I am irritated with my young self for not writing about what I had at lunch –if I brought a packed one or bought one in the cafeteria. I do remember being somewhat intrigued by the high school cafeteria which is nothing like home* but was clearly more distracted by the people that filled the space.  Unless I actually had a sad lunch which is possible because I vaguely recall some sad looking hotdogs from the past.

*Families, typically couples have their own booth so to speak, and I remember delicious meals costing about 50 cents on average.

Followed host mom to work, read “I Kissed Dating Goodbye.” Went to the dollar tree, bought 2 notebooks. When to a stationary shop, bought 5 Hallmark writing pads, 50¢ cards and a file.

I’ve come a ways since this entry: I’m not sure how I ended up reading the book. I’ve moved on in the sense that I would never chose to read or recommend a book of that “genre” if you will, to anyone, when I may have been somewhat intrigued by it then. 

As a kid, I was big into fancy stationary. They were so nice I’d never use it. Instead I collected and collected. Hence, I still own said Hallmark writing pads- most of which are stored back in Malaysia! Some have lovely Christmas illustrations that I have finally started to use over the past decade.