There is no journal entry because there was no February 29 in 2002, a non-leap year! 

Woke up hoping not to go to school but “had to.” Discovered that I couldn’t change Bio because off a school rule which the guidance counsellor didn’t tell me about. Going to solve it later -rather not think about it. Watched Survivor 4!

Somethings don’t change much. When things are rough, what better than to turn to reality TV? I can think of worse alternatives. 

Woke up around 7.30am. Host mom allowed me to skip school and I checked my email to hear that I “did well” from Mummy and that she would call at 7.30pm today. Dad’s email was titled “congratulations” and Terry (my brother) was online. He said I got one C4 and nothing lower. Wow! So happy! Thank God. Can’t wait for Mummy’s call -made my day better.

Grammy awards on TV. 

Host parents going to DuVal for a PTA meeting (!!)

Mummy called at 7pm -5 A1s and 2s, 3c3s and 1 C4: had a good chat with her for about 15 minutes. 

Maybe slightly above average grades, which was as well as I was going to do considering the method of assessments was multiple choice and essay questions based on one’s ability to memorize and regurgitate.  11 years of this form of education was 11 years too many for me, though it didn’t seem like I was having better luck in the great United States either…. 

Anxiously waiting for Mummy’s call re. results. Hoping she doesn’t wait until tomorrow before calling. 

Heard from the transfer office -it has referred to the “magnet office” because I need to get into the actual arts programme (at this point, I’m still true to my British roots) in Suitland. It’s taking forever -going back and forth. Will be stuck at DuVal until my papers get into the other office.

I known I wanted to get my national exam results over and done with. It wasn’t a question or pass or fail, certificate or none or even impact on higher ed admissions. It came down to saving “face” -good grades (i.e. A1 or A2) = parents who could boast while non-A grades = parents have to skirt the question of how their child performed. Grades were lame and I can’t remember the exact breakdown but they went like A1, A2, C3, C4, C or D5, C or D6. The smaller then number the better. 

I’m sure that pressure (even though it wasn’t directly coming from my own parents) didn’t help ease the tension of news of more waiting for my high school exit, I mean, transfer!

I’m missing a single entry for Monday, February 25th, 2002 for no particular reason.

My apologies! Please check in tomorrow.

Christine spent the night last night. She and Kevin came over at lunch time. Dropped Christine off at Pizza Hut and had a yoghurt chocolate Baskins. Yummy.

I must have had some yoghurt chocolate Baskin Robbin’s flavored ice cream. Zero recollection.  

Once again, I had to “entertain” host mom and Kyle by singing in the basement.

If I recall correctly, I felt pressured to sing a song for them.

Had pizza for dinner and watched a video. Was more relaxing considering there were other teens in the house but had to stay up late till 2.30am! One thing about Kevin is his big mouth. Keep telling host mom stuff about school which causes “questions.” 

No clear memory of this or what I meant in this post.

Went to Bob Evans for lunch -full to the brim again!!

My host parents certainly exposed me to many classic American eateries. 

Dreading school but holding on to the hope of getting transferred. 

One reason for not writing for the past 3 weeks is that it would be too painful to have to rethink the day’s events. To sum it all up, for school, I have had tonnes of stupid US History homework, lit is a bore, chorus -they sit and “lepak,” (loiter) art -oh gosh, kids are still wild and you just paint without being taught, AP Bio -can’t decide what other science subject to switch it with, Human Dynamics -boring, just copy notes, too big a class, drama -dull. SAT -the teacher doesn’t get down to doing much but I got a SAT book which I can at least make use of. 

Handed my transfer paper to Suitland (possible high school with a strong arts program in the county that I could transfer to) on Thursday, Valentines and was “asked” to go out to the movies with Peter to give my host parents “time.” (I was really told by my Jean, my liaison to give my host parents a break by going out with her host son). Struggling with time -come back from school and at times am expected to follow host mom wherever she goes. Feeling depressed at school, cry sometimes but isn’t much noticed. I guess when I get home, I get more depressed because my host mom keeps rambling on -she has the tendency to think her opinions are always right and I hate when she starts telling me what “God wants for me.” 

Went to Chinatown on the 17th of Feb for a Chinese New Year parade -it was freezing. Later, we went to Kirby’s house for a “cooking party” with Fab, Tang and Julia. We had a fun time –host parents were supposed to pick me up at 9pm but when they called, I asked if I could stay till 10.30pm and host mom said 10 pm -happily. But when they came to pick me up it was 11.30pm and they were in a non-talking mood. 

I remember the extreme contrast of having a fun evening with friends I got along with and then returning to a car that felt hostile. 

The 18th was a school holiday -President’s Day. I spent the day home alone -they went out, plus I had homework.

The 19th, I came back from school and told that we needed to have a talk with host dad. 5pm: sat down and host dad started rambling about how he couldn’t change the fact that he was black, etc. Was I happy, etc. They just kept going on and on about being black and assumed that I have a prejudice against blacks and that’s my problem with the school. Anyway, just as we were talking, the phone rang. Mummy called to say that Kung Kung (my maternal grandfather, who had been blind and stuck to a wheel chair all my life) passed away. When she called, I was already quite shaky. I guess the bad news gave me an “excuse” to cry. Felt really upset that I couldn’t be at the funeral. Just still being in MD with everything going wrong is just WRONG! 

Host parents keep going on and on- wont leave me in “peace” to do my homework. Thoughts about Switzerland and Germany (my second and third AFS country choices) just drive me mad. Thinking about Kent (Malaysian AFSer in California) having a blast…. Not only is school not educationally beneficial, there are no kids I feel I can relate to -they are wild, loud.. So yeah, I guess I have become prejudice, racist! I wish so much that I was in Kent’s shoes or in a different country because when it all comes down to it, America isn’t all that different from my Malaysia. One more thing that bothers me is Youth Group. Host mom is always going on about it.

The only thing I’m happy with now is the food -that’s all. And that’s bad because I’m indulging and gaining weight!  Missing home and feeling very unstable –Mummy’s upset and AFS Malaysia said that I “complained and whined!” Losing energy, emotionally and questioning my faith. 

SPM (National Exam that I took just before leaving for the US and in completion of my Malaysian education) results out on Tues or Wed night here. 

I don’t really want to add on to this already long post. I also think it is pretty clear that I was at a point where my frustrations were not limited to school but to my home life as well. In retrospect I can say that I am sure it wasn’t fun for my host parents either. They probably expected something different from having their first “child” together, and instead they got me -a dissatisfied perhaps racist and whiny teenager.  

There are no journal entries from February 4 through Feb 22, 2002. My entry on Feb 23, 2002 explains why. Check in again on the 23rd!

Woke up with a racing, scared heart, again. Hate this gut sinking feeling. I don’t and can’t go to school but I am so afraid it’ll affect my transfer or any chance of it. Can’t disappoint Mummy. I know she wouldn’t want me to miss school even though I can’t bear it. It’ll just eat me up, slowly but surely. Trying not to think of it but Jean will be calling up later.

I remember the deep sinking feelings of anxiety and feeling so far away from home -not because I missed home itself, but because I felt out of control and unhappy with my situation. I’m pretty sure this is about the time I started to experience mild depression, though I was never clinically diagnosed with it. This was certainly the lowest point in my 17 years.

Emailed Mummy, I know she’s worried, and Ann (Director for AFS Malaysia) to explain my situation incase AFS USA tells her otherwise. Ann might have to give her approval for the transfer. Went to TGIFri for lunch.

I think it’s funny why I had to semi-spell out Friday for the F in TGIF. Also here’s where I am starting to believe that if I do everything “correctly,” or follow a process, I’d get the transfer approved. I wasn’t aware of this thing called a school district.

If Jane [my fellow Malaysian friend in Oregon] isn’t going back with her case of strong homesickness, how can I? It’s just school!!!! Why can’t they just put me in Duke Ellington? I want to go home, but I can’t, knowing my educational opportunities are closed unless I got to Inti or Taylors.

These are local Malaysian colleges that I never even onsidered attending because high school graduation meant a ticket out of the country.

Will I make it to University? Gosh, I wish I didn’t come. I hate it here.